I want to first mention that this blog initially started out as a way for me to document about our lives. It gave grandparents a way to check in on the boys and a place for me to write down the funny stories so that I didn't forget. After Jason died, this blog obviously became an outlet for me to journal about this grief journey. Unfortunately, my boys and spouse and parents and friends sometimes get pulled in too because I tell stories or mention them from time to time. While most of the time it's no big deal.....sometimes there are parts of life that I don't mention because some things should be kept private. For that reason, I'm going to be somewhat vague in my sharing today. I think/hope I can still get my point across without airing all the dirty laundry.
Before Shawn and I got married, we started praying about our lives. About our future together. We asked for God's will in every part of it. We have both learned from previous trials in life that when you surrender it all to God.....you just can't go wrong. I fully believe that when you do this, God opens and closes doors so that there is no mistake on which path to take. (although sometimes I do feel that people can take the wrong path because they follow the desires of their heart and not God's) Obviously, the path taken is our decision.
In one particular area of our life, we started seeing God's work and things were falling into place. Looking back, I feel that we were very obedient in listening to His calling. Fast forward about 9-10 months and we are miserable in that area. (I know I'm being vague here. I'm sorry. But just to ease your mind.....we are great with each other. As in, there are no marital problems between us. Oh, and we are NOT trying to get pregnant)
We are feeling extremely tested right now. And we are frustrated too. The last few weeks we have talked to each other and expressed our frustrations and are left questioning and wondering why things happen the way they do sometimes? I know that God doesn't promise a perfect life but when you ask for His will and you follow what you feel are His prompts......and you still end up unhappy and unsettled then it can be quite frustrating.
I'll be honest. I've had a few conversations with God and I've expressed my frustrations to Him. (over the years my faith has grown enough to understand that all my talks with God don't have to be uplifting and full of praise. He wants to know my hurt too) I've asked Him why? I've asked Him what exactly is it that He's trying to teach us right now? Have I not learned enough the last 2 years? Even though I know that Jason's death doesn't give me immunity from trials or pain......come on God.....can't you cut this girl some slack?
Today I find myself in the thick of this trial. And the hard part is that we don't see an answer just yet. And the really stinky part is that this seems to be spilling over into other areas of life and making life just blah right now.
The last few weeks, I've been pondering the verse in Romans- "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us."
I don't know about you, but sometimes it's hard to rejoice in my sufferings. And sometimes it's hard when we are praying but we feel that God isn't revealing. Anyone else been there? All I know is that God must really want me to be woman of character.....the last 2 years have been full of opportunities for me to grow in this area. :/
I appreciate prayers on our behalf right now. I know you don't have specifics but God knows the details. And he knows the outcome.....and I have to cling to that and remind myself that this entire situation is in His hands.