Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Feeling Tested

I want to first mention that this blog initially started out as a way for me to document about our lives.  It gave grandparents a way to check in on the boys and a place for me to write down the funny stories so that I didn't forget.  After Jason died, this blog obviously became an outlet for me to journal about this grief journey.  Unfortunately, my boys and spouse and parents and friends sometimes get pulled in too because I tell stories or mention them from time to time.  While most of the time it's no big deal.....sometimes there are parts of life that I don't mention because some things should be kept private.  For that reason, I'm going to be somewhat vague in my sharing today.  I think/hope I can still get my point across without airing all the dirty laundry.

Before Shawn and I got married, we started praying about our lives.  About our future together.  We asked for God's will in every part of it.  We have both learned from previous trials in life that when you surrender it all to just can't go wrong.  I fully believe that when you do this, God opens and closes doors so that there is no mistake on which path to take.  (although sometimes I do feel that people can take the wrong path because they follow the desires of their heart and not God's)  Obviously, the path taken is our decision.

In one particular area of our life, we started seeing God's work and things were falling into place.  Looking back, I feel that we were very obedient in listening to His calling.  Fast forward about 9-10 months and we are miserable in that area.  (I know I'm being vague here.  I'm sorry.  But just to ease your mind.....we are great with each other.  As in, there are no marital problems between us.  Oh, and we are NOT trying to get pregnant)

We are feeling extremely tested right now.  And we are frustrated too.  The last few weeks we have talked to each other and expressed our frustrations and are left questioning and wondering why things happen the way they do sometimes?  I know that God doesn't promise a perfect life but when you ask for His will and you follow what you feel are His prompts......and you still end up unhappy and unsettled then it can be quite frustrating.

I'll be honest.  I've had a few conversations with God and I've expressed my frustrations to Him.  (over the years my faith has grown enough to understand that all my talks with God don't have to be uplifting and full of praise.  He wants to know my hurt too)  I've asked Him why?  I've asked Him what exactly is it that He's trying to teach us right now? Have I not learned enough the last 2 years?  Even though I know that Jason's death doesn't give me immunity from trials or pain......come on God.....can't you cut this girl some slack?

Today I find myself in the thick of this trial.  And the hard part is that we don't see an answer just yet.  And the really stinky part is that this seems to be spilling over into other areas of life and making life just blah right now.

The last few weeks, I've been pondering the verse in Romans- "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us."

I don't know about you, but sometimes it's hard to rejoice in my sufferings.  And sometimes it's hard when we are praying but we feel that God isn't revealing.  Anyone else been there?  All I know is that God must really want me to be woman of character.....the last 2 years have been full of opportunities for me to grow in this area. :/

I appreciate prayers on our behalf right now.  I know you don't have specifics but God knows the details.  And he knows the outcome.....and I have to cling to that and remind myself that this entire situation is in His hands.


Christy said...

You are spot on with your last paragraph. Been there! I was praying about something for almost 2 years and God gave me the answer once but I didn't listen. One year later, He let everything fall in place for His plan for me. Never give up and don't stop praying. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sarah said...

Ditto! And we don't need to know details, we all go through things and probably feel very similar feelings, emotions, frustrations as you are. I have conversations with God to, all throughout the day driving or whatever when things are going on. And I completely agree - he is there for you ALL THE TIME, not just the good or bad. He can handle the anger and hurt better than anyone else because he does understand. So I will keep your family in thought and prayer but just know "this to shall pass". Sometimes that is all that gets me through. I hate 'time'. It's the good and evil, haha. But time will pass and eventually this will be over. Keep being strong and keep the hope. Best of luck!

Chauncey Cianci said...

I may not be in the exact same situation as you are right now, but I feel the exact same way. My husband and I have been tested time and time again in the past few years financially. We tithe, we sponsor a child every month, we give to others in need, and yet we are still scraping by and the home improvements just keep on coming! (We had an $11K foundation repair in October and our garage doors got replaced this week.) While I can't exactly be thankful for these hard times we're going through, I can be thankful for the person I'm becoming through all of it. I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm depending on Him and realizing I need Him like the air that I breathe. So, I guess it's all worth it. Praying you find rest and peace in your soul this holiday season!

glenda said...

Don't give up and don't stop praying. I will keep you in my prayers!

Stay strong and keep the hope.
Best to you, hubby and the kids and of course your extended families!

Allison said...

Understand! I believe we learn and grow the most in difficult times though, IF we are willing. It's not fun and it's not easy, but we will get through it with the help of the Lord. I'm reading a book now about finding joy in everything, so I'm trying my best to focus on just that. There are always blessings even in the most difficult times. Praying for your family now!

Vanessa said...

Thank you for sharing--It is good to know that we aren't alone in our struggles. I think sometimes it's easy to think that no one else is going through this..but the truth is, most of us are. You give me hope and also remind me that this too, shall pass. Trusting in God and doing the next right thing...not what I feel or want, but the right thing. I will pray for you.

Karen L. said...

Will continue to pray for you all. You're right in not understanding just why it seems like God is "picking on us"! I often think that we just won't know the reasons until we get to glory---and then we'll smack our foreheads and say, "Oh, that was why!" (Maybe,maybe not.) We've recently gone through a spell of testing from various directions ourselves so do understand the frustrations you're feeling. Like you said, just keep sharing the way you feel with our wonderful Lord and He will take you through it even if you don't/won't understand it now. Thanks for sharing this post.

Jennifer said...

Hoping you can figure this out soon! Life is filled with too many challenges for sure and they seem to hit in clumps.

The Lovely One said...

I am a firm believer in God's plan. We may not understand it, but that's really not our concern. Who are we to try to guess what His plan is?

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but I think you should continue to pray and listen for God's Will. He showed you a path and you went on it. Now he's saying, "Cool, now turn here." he's ready to lead you in a different direction now, and you just need to follow the new path.

You'll get there! I'm praying for you!